S2 Ch 1: Family Bonds and Heartbreak with Nikia
This inaugural chapter of Season 2 presents an insightful dialogue between the host, Story, and her esteemed guest, Nikia, as they delve into the profound and multifaceted nature of grief. Central to their discourse is the exploration of Nikia's personal experiences with loss, particularly the recent passing of her great grandmother and younger brother, both of whom have indelibly shaped her identity and emotional landscape. Through this conversation, we traverse the complexities of grief, recognizing its diverse manifestations beyond the confines of death, including the grief associated with absence and change in familial relationships. Nikia articulates the significant impact that her loved ones had on her life, illustrating how their memories continue to influence her journey toward healing and self-discovery. The chapter serves as a poignant reminder of the necessity for open dialogue surrounding grief, encouraging listeners to confront and embrace their own experiences with loss in a compassionate and supportive community.
Mentioned in this episode:
Sponsorship for The Upside to Grief
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Transcript
Hello, human collective.
Speaker A:Welcome to the Upside to Grief.
Speaker A:My name is Story and I am your host.
Speaker A:And welcome to season two.
Speaker A:For our very first chapter of season two, I am welcoming on my good friend Nakia.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker B:Thank you for having me.
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker A:Excited.
Speaker A:Yay.
Speaker A:Good.
Speaker A:I'm excited to finally have you on here after taking a much needed little break, back at it and ready to just get into it and talk with more people and talk about more topics and just keep on building community.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So thank you so much for coming.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:I know you said that there are a few different people in your grief journey that you wanted to share about.
Speaker A:So who are those people that we're going to be talking about today?
Speaker B:So I think the two people we're really going to dive into would be my great grandmother, Suzanne Bemis, and my younger.
Speaker B:Technically, he's my half brother, but he's my real brother.
Speaker B:I grew up with him.
Speaker B:Dijon Hurd.
Speaker B:I lost my great grandmother, I believe, on July.
Speaker B: ,: Speaker B:And then I lost my brother on.
Speaker B:Wait, I'm mixing up the dates.
Speaker B:They're all a blur now.
Speaker A:That's okay.
Speaker B: ,: Speaker B: ,: Speaker B:I think they were like, really close to each other.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:In dates.
Speaker B:Now, looking back at that, I don't think I've ever realized that.
Speaker B:That they were the same month, just a year apart.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So that's who we're going to be sharing about.
Speaker B:And my brother's name was Dijon Herd, and I lost them both recently.
Speaker B:As you can know, it's in the past couple of years.
Speaker B:But I think, like, grief started at a really young age for me.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Being that I was raised by my great grandmother.
Speaker B:And that's why, like, it hit so hard for me.
Speaker B:She was like a mother to me, you know, she was the mother figure.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:My mom is still in my life, but she wasn't as present.
Speaker B:It wasn't the normal household.
Speaker B:That's a whole nother story for another day.
Speaker B:But I dealt with a lot of grief of not having a mom or not having a dad present my whole entire life.
Speaker B:And it's like, you hear grief is like connects back to death, but it's.
Speaker B:There's different types of grief.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Grief of not having your parents present or grief of losing a friend and like, they didn't die, but you lose a friend.
Speaker B:You know, grief of changing a job, moving Location.
Speaker B:So there's all different types of grief.
Speaker B:But I think, you know, being that this is your podcast and the tone, I think I really want to lean in on my great grandmother and my brother because they were my family, and it's kind of, like, changed my identity forever.
Speaker B:They were, like, the house that I grew up with, knowing and, like, what.
Speaker B:You know, home is where the heart is.
Speaker B:That was where my heart was for the longest.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So what was life like with them?
Speaker B:Loud.
Speaker B:Loud, for sure.
Speaker B:I would say my great grandmother Suzanne, she.
Speaker B:I'm gonna just call her my grandma.
Speaker B:It's a little easier.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:She was a firecracker.
Speaker B:Always laughing.
Speaker B:She had this, like, cackle laugh, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Speaker B:Always laughing, always talking to everybody.
Speaker B:Everywhere we went.
Speaker B:I remember, like, me and DJ would be like, is she ever gonna stop talking?
Speaker B:Or just, like, she's embarrassing us, you know, like, oh, we always had that feeling.
Speaker B:And my friends would be around.
Speaker B:She'd be, like, watching all of us.
Speaker B:We'd just be like, oh, okay, Susan.
Speaker B:You know, like.
Speaker B:But she was so authentic in who she was.
Speaker B:She didn't care what other people thought.
Speaker B:And, you know, she was raising her great grandchildren, so she had a lot of love for her family, and she had a lot of love, like, for providing us, like, with a family atmosphere, even though it wasn't the normal family and what you see on media, you know.
Speaker B:Yeah, she put in a lot of effort.
Speaker B:And with my brother, I wanted to be his protector, I would say, like, at a young age.
Speaker A:Because he was your younger brother.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, he was my younger brother.
Speaker B:I think about six years younger than me, and he was born by my mom, but we did have different dads.
Speaker B:And till this day, I just am still really going through that healing process.
Speaker B:There's, you know, the grief aspect of losing him, and he had his whole life ahead of him.
Speaker B:And there's also the grief aspect of, like, feeling guilty, you know, Like, I wanted to be his protector.
Speaker B:I wanted to, like, step up and.
Speaker B:But I was just a child myself.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And a lot of innocence was lost for both of us.
Speaker B:You know, we did have my great grandmother and I think her vibrance and her humor and her.
Speaker B:She just, you know, I want to say, like, her degafness, she just, you know, like, went along with what felt right to her and her truth and her God kind of, like, leaned into us, but we really had to go, like, away from being children.
Speaker B:We kind of had to, like, provide for ourselves, care for each other.
Speaker B:So I think at the end of the day, it was caring.
Speaker B:Like we were all trying to be each other's caretakers.
Speaker B:We were all just trying to take care of ourselves.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:And so then you obviously moved out of the house before your brother then, being six years older or.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:So my brother, basically there was a situation where he got taken away from my mom.
Speaker B:So at a young age, at the age of three, really close to here, they found him on the street and he was naked.
Speaker B:He had drugs in his system.
Speaker B:And my mom went to prison for child neglect and endangerment, I believe.
Speaker B:Don't quote me on it.
Speaker B:But it was along those lines.
Speaker B:You know, she herself had her trauma and her healing that she needed to do.
Speaker B:She got put away for that.
Speaker B:And then he came and lived with us.
Speaker B:But that was, you know, a whole cycle in itself.
Speaker B:My great grandmother was already raising me.
Speaker B:She had just retired from working from the government.
Speaker B:Like, could she raise another kid?
Speaker B:You know, at her age, she already had four kids of her own.
Speaker B:So it took a while for us to develop that she was going to take custody of him and that he was going to come live with us and it was going to be like a family community helping him out.
Speaker B:And then my grandma also helped, you know, so it was my great grandmother that like, had custody, but my grandma helped part time.
Speaker B:So that, like, because we needed a community at this point, someone's getting into their 60s, like, they raised four kids of their own already and now they.
Speaker A:Have a three year old in the house.
Speaker B:Yeah, and a three year old.
Speaker B:And, you know, they already had somebody that was nine years old.
Speaker B:You know, like, we were all just, you know, trying to support each other and grow up and still be a family together, you know, keep everyone in the same family.
Speaker B: So I moved out in: Speaker B:Of course, you know, I was going through high school, so nobody was going to tell me anything.
Speaker B:Before I moved out, I was all into partying, I was all into socializing and thinking I knew myself.
Speaker B:So I didn't really, like, hang out with my brother as much a little bit though, you know, you know, like, he was very loving.
Speaker B:He was very loving.
Speaker B:I have this one picture that's like popping in my mind, and it was when, like, Facebook just came around and I'm like, come here, be in my Facebook picture.
Speaker B:And it's like a OG selfie, you know, like, my hair is a bob and he's just smiling.
Speaker B:He had such a great smile.
Speaker B:And he didn't have braces.
Speaker B:I had braces.
Speaker B:But he had a perfect smile since day one.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I moved on to college and, you know, like, we drifted apart.
Speaker B:And so as the grief cycle, like, goes on, so it was actually someone that died before them that was in our family.
Speaker B:So I went to college, I graduated.
Speaker B:I went through my own troubles and tri, like, you know, trials and tribulations, as they say.
Speaker B:I was dealing with homelessness, addiction, and was trying to get my life in order.
Speaker B:And by this time, when I was trying to get my life in order, the first time I went to rehab, my cousin passed away and he.
Speaker B:My cousin Sean.
Speaker B:So it was like a very close knit family because we're always trying to help each other.
Speaker B:He passed away from a fentanyl overdose.
Speaker B:He had some body pain issues, and he had bought a pill from somebody on the streets, and they found him on the kitchen floor.
Speaker B:He didn't know it had fentanyl in it.
Speaker B:And him and his partner were dead on the kitchen floor.
Speaker B:So it was the first loss my family had in this, like, chapter or period.
Speaker B:And I want to say that was, like, during COVID I can't tell you the exact month or date right now.
Speaker B:It's not the tip of my mind.
Speaker A:So when Covid's just a blur for everybody, I feel like.
Speaker A:Were we telling time during that time?
Speaker B:Yeah, you know, I just know it was Covid.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And it was real.
Speaker B:So I remember hearing that he had passed away and not being able to go to his celebration of life.
Speaker B:I remember I was in rehab and I was feeling some type of way, and my grandma was like, no, you just need to stay in rehab.
Speaker B:That's what you need to do.
Speaker B:Like, you don't need to come worry about this.
Speaker B:Just stay in rehab.
Speaker B:And so I, you know, I did what I had to do at this time.
Speaker B:I also had, like, some legal obligations, so I didn't really, like, want to, like, mess with what I could do and what I couldn't do.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So, you know, I never really got to, like, grieve for him, really, like my cousin or be with my family when we celebrated his life.
Speaker B:But, you know, as I cleaned up my life and it took me a bunch of different trials of, you know, wanting to be clean or sober and then eventually, you know, relapsing multiple times and then going to jail and then eventually, you know, deciding I wanted to get clean again.
Speaker B:And when I got clean this time, I had a friend, she told me, hey, Nikia, your grandma has been here for you every single time.
Speaker B:Like, if you don't get clean, you're going to miss your opportunity.
Speaker B:Like, this lady is getting older.
Speaker B:You're going to miss your opportunity to, like, cherish life with her, right?
Speaker B:So I was like, okay.
Speaker B:And, you know, at this time, my brother's young adult in his 20s, you know, partying, doing his thing.
Speaker B:You know, I wasn't very close to him because as he had just gotten out of high school and was going through his own life, he was finding himself and his identity.
Speaker B:So, you know, like, we did check in every now and then when I kind of cleaned up my act, but it wasn't super close.
Speaker B:I would say our whole relationship was like, checking in and like, pure, authentic conversation, honest conversation.
Speaker B:Every time I saw him, I could tell him, like, the worst thing that happened last week, and he'd be like, oh, okay.
Speaker B:You know, like, still.
Speaker B:He still loves me, he still cares for me.
Speaker B:So I got clean, you know, and I. I started really locking in with spending time with my grandma as much as possible.
Speaker B:You know, I would go over and see her, I would spend time with her.
Speaker B:I made this video.
Speaker B:There was like a tick tock trend going around, and it was like Dory's voice when she's like, you know, I love you.
Speaker B:I may not remember you, but I love something of that.
Speaker B:Yeah, Super.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I make it and I sometimes just go back and watch it all the time because, like, I start crying, she starts crying, and it's just like, you know, I love you.
Speaker B:Like, I'm sorry.
Speaker B:I love you.
Speaker B:I'm here for you.
Speaker B:Like, I may not remember everything, but, you know, and so that's really special to me.
Speaker B:But I was just spending time with her as I could.
Speaker B:And, you know, with old age, she's in her 80s.
Speaker B: She was born in: Speaker B:You're getting old.
Speaker B: pected to die, you know, like: Speaker A:That's crazy to think about.
Speaker B:It's super crazy.
Speaker B:So I was working a 12 step fellowship at the time being, and I think, like, there's the eighth step where it's like, make a living or make an amends, right?
Speaker B:Well, I haven't made it to the eighth step yet in my journey, but I knew that I could make a living amends because my friend told me that, hey, you're gonna get clean for her.
Speaker B:Do you want to spend time with her?
Speaker B:And that really hit home.
Speaker B:So, like, when she started getting sicker, she started falling, and she would call me and be like, oh, I can't do something.
Speaker B:I had to go to the hospital.
Speaker B:You know, I started to see patterns.
Speaker B:So I'm okay.
Speaker B:I need to show up a little bit more.
Speaker B:And luckily, like, she was living with her oldest daughter and she called me, hey, she's not doing so well with her.
Speaker B:It kind of just happened quick.
Speaker B:She got pneumonia, she stopped eating.
Speaker B:You know, our family came around, we celebrated her with her.
Speaker B:And all of her kids came and saw her, you know, spent time with her.
Speaker B:Her grandkids mainly, all of them came and spent time with her.
Speaker B:My brother, I don't know if he made it over, he wasn't there when I was there.
Speaker B:But we came and we shared some special memories with her before she passed.
Speaker B:Whereas my brother, the last time I have a really special memory with him was the day of her funeral.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So we had our funeral and we went back to my aunt's house.
Speaker B:It was a family gathering and we ran out of like Jersey Mike subs.
Speaker B:She's not sponsored by Jersey Mike's, by the way.
Speaker B:So we went over to Jersey Mike's and we needed like, you know, they have like the foot long subs or whatever and you can just like order them right away.
Speaker B:So we made an order because we had ran out, me and my brother.
Speaker B:And I was going to go get it and he's like, okay, I'll come with you.
Speaker B:And so he had like a little light in him.
Speaker B:You know, he sounded like he was doing good.
Speaker B:He was going to go to Arizona, he was going to change his life around.
Speaker B:Like, he wanted to go to school, he wanted to become an engineer, he wanted to start new.
Speaker B:But, you know, my brother also had mental health issues, being that, as I explained, he grew up with a lifestyle where mental health disadvantages come, you know, and he didn't really have the tools or the support to navigate them.
Speaker B:It was never like, provided to him.
Speaker B:So when he did get the opportunity, it wasn't like a stable foundation.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So he decided, I'm going to go to Arizona, I'm going to go to school.
Speaker B:And I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna call you and check in on you a lot.
Speaker B:Because first off, like, now I'm here for the family, I'm present.
Speaker B:And, you know, he went out there and I think he was apart from his community.
Speaker B:Something happened.
Speaker B:There was kind of like a light switch and his mental health wasn't doing so good.
Speaker B:And he was diagnosed schizophrenic.
Speaker B:So I. I'm not too sure.
Speaker B:He stopped Answering my phone calls.
Speaker B:So in the beginning he would answer my phone calls, yeah, it's going good.
Speaker B:I have some friends.
Speaker B:Yeah, just, you know, one worded answers.
Speaker B:I wasn't really getting the conversation anymore.
Speaker B:So I kind of like knew he wasn't in a good place.
Speaker B:But I had been in not a good place many of times.
Speaker B:And a lot of my friends and family, they held hope.
Speaker B:He's going to prosper through as I thought he would too.
Speaker B:You know, he has to go through his journey to get his footing, especially because, like, that's part of my story.
Speaker B:And I understand, like, we don't necessarily know why we had the upbringing we did or we had the grief of not having regular parents in this society that we did or we had, you know, like, we don't know why, but we need to go through our journey and see how we're going to continue moving forward and living like an authentic, true life for ourselves.
Speaker B:So I thought he was going to go through his journey and land on his feet.
Speaker B:But I heard he came back to San Diego and he was living in his car and so I would try to call him.
Speaker B:And he was kind of having mental breakdowns and he wouldn't really answer.
Speaker B:We probably went like a few months, like he was going to come meet my partner at my house and he ended up flaking.
Speaker B:He's like, yeah, I'll come over for dinner.
Speaker B:And he didn't show up.
Speaker B:And that was like the last time I ever heard from him.
Speaker B:That was like a real conversation or not like something that was clear or legible that I could understand.
Speaker B:So the day that I found out that my brother passed away, it was like a whole journey.
Speaker B:I was in so denial.
Speaker B:And it wasn't just a day, it was like a week.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:And it's even longer than a week now looking back.
Speaker B:So at first he was shot by a cop.
Speaker B:Let me just say that he was shot by a cop three times.
Speaker B:He was having a mental breakdown.
Speaker B:The video displays that he had a knife in his hand.
Speaker B:You know, people have their different beliefs.
Speaker B:I just know he was in a time of crisis.
Speaker B:I know he was a really good person and I know he was hurting.
Speaker B:I'm not gonna like argue about what happened or what didn't happen.
Speaker B:But I do know that it took me a long time and I had a lot of anger that thinking like, oh, the cop shot him.
Speaker B:But really, like maybe like two months ago, I had a realization that it was suicide by a cop.
Speaker B:You know, like, what did he expect?
Speaker B:He's not dumb.
Speaker B:I know he's smart.
Speaker B:We all know what's smart.
Speaker B:Like, we knew what was gonna happen.
Speaker B:Like, if you had a knife in your hand or you're running at a cop in an aggressive manner, maybe that's.
Speaker A:What they're gonna do.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's just what they're trained to do, you know?
Speaker B:Like, they're trying to protect their community.
Speaker B:And I think, like, he was the biggest harm to himself in that moment.
Speaker B:He wasn't trying to harm anyone else.
Speaker B:You know, he knew what he was doing.
Speaker B:He was trying to harm himself.
Speaker B:And so as this all started out, I was always really protective of him.
Speaker B:So when I found out that he had passed, it was like, one family member called me and said, like, there's a homicide detective and they're looking for him.
Speaker B:And, you know, like, we all kind of like, what's going on?
Speaker B:What's going on?
Speaker B:So I started calling other family members, and I was just like, they found a body in his car.
Speaker B:Like, I was like, oh, maybe he killed someone.
Speaker B:That was my initial thought, you know, like, hopeful for that.
Speaker B:Which is horrible, too.
Speaker B:Why would I want to think that, you know?
Speaker A:But the police called and said they found a body in his car.
Speaker B:They found a body near his car, but they can't identify the.
Speaker B:They didn't call me.
Speaker B:They called other family members.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:They found a body in or near his car is what I heard.
Speaker B:The game of telephone.
Speaker B:And they can't identify the body yet.
Speaker B:They can't.
Speaker B:Like, they just want to know, like, has anyone talked to him?
Speaker B:You know, they have to do their investigation.
Speaker B:So there was, like, a few days.
Speaker B:Like, I was with friends at that time at the fair.
Speaker B:I was with my partner, and I was like, oh, he'll be fine.
Speaker B:He'll be fine.
Speaker B:Like, it will all work out.
Speaker B:Like, there's.
Speaker B:It didn't hit me that, like, he could be that person or that body that they were talking about.
Speaker B:I was more, like, hoping.
Speaker B:Like, it's like, CIA, whatever, csi, or Law and Order.
Speaker B:Like, they're gonna.
Speaker B:You know, I was just so hopeful.
Speaker B:It was in such denial.
Speaker B:Like, that thought didn't even cross my mind.
Speaker B:And even though people were, like, trying to tell me on the phone, I was just like, nope.
Speaker B:I couldn't accept it.
Speaker B:Nope.
Speaker B:Not.
Speaker B:Not possible.
Speaker B:He's 25 years old.
Speaker B:There's not possible, you know?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What?
Speaker B:Like, my whole.
Speaker B:I still to this day, like, he and I were supposed to live a full life together.
Speaker B:We were supposed to support each other.
Speaker B:We were supposed to be each Other's family forever.
Speaker B:And we were supposed to fill that void of not having two parents that were always present for each other.
Speaker B:We were supposed to get through that grief together.
Speaker B:So even till today, it's like, what?
Speaker B:You know, so it was a journey, you know, like, I had to call the homicide detective myself, and we started learning.
Speaker B:And then it took a couple days till they could, like, identify the body.
Speaker B:A lot of games of telephone, different people calling, you know, like, a lot of different emotions.
Speaker B:I had to call my mom and tell her I had my aunt on the phone.
Speaker B:And still, you know, it's still a journey because it's not like suicide by a cop is not an easy way for anyone to fucking pass.
Speaker A:No, That's heavy.
Speaker B:I think, like, the heaviest time was, okay, so, you know, it was a journey.
Speaker B:It was days of finding out it was him.
Speaker B:And luckily, I took off work.
Speaker B:I did the things, you know, I was taking care of myself.
Speaker B:I took off work.
Speaker B:My boss at the time was super understanding.
Speaker B:I mean, the initial general manager, he was like, oh, absolutely, like, no questions asked.
Speaker B:And once I found out, I took some more time off of work.
Speaker B:But then eventually I wanted to go back because it was no good for myself, you know, just sitting around and.
Speaker A:Not having something to do with the time.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Speaker B:I kind of lost train of thought.
Speaker B:I mean, that will happen when you talk about heavy things.
Speaker A:You said it was no good for you and you wanted to go back to work.
Speaker B:I remember what I was going to talk about.
Speaker B:So me and my boyfriend and his daughter were out at a movie.
Speaker B:We're watching Inside Out.
Speaker B:It's the credits, and the police, they release the cop cam footage, you know, and I get sent it by, like, an extended family member.
Speaker B:And I'm sitting there in the credits, and I realize what it is.
Speaker B:So I go outside.
Speaker B:I remember exactly where I was.
Speaker B:I was know the Regal Theaters in Carlsbad off El Camino Real.
Speaker B:I was sitting there in the stairs, and I started playing the.
Speaker B:The video, and it's on YouTube.
Speaker A:And I remember, like, put it on YouTube.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's still there to this day.
Speaker B:I still show people sometimes when, like, I'm trying to let them understand, like, what I'm trying to experience in my life, you know?
Speaker B:And of course, like, throughout the days, I. I started, like, going on Facebook and, like, looking and seeing what people were saying and all this stuff.
Speaker B:Once I found it out it was him, you know, I remember watching the video and just, like, sound was like, we're in a, like, imax Theater.
Speaker B:Like, it was just me watching the video on my phone in a public place, but it was like I was there.
Speaker B:It was, like, so heavy.
Speaker B:I didn't have headphones in, and.
Speaker B:And, like, I can just, like, hear his cries just right now.
Speaker B:Like, you know, like, he wasn't mentally well.
Speaker B:And I think that's, like, why they have hurt team.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I'm not trying to, like, harbor resentment towards the people that did it or, you know, the police system for this exact, like, occasion, because it's not healthy for my grief, and I don't think my brother or my grandma would want me to live in that way, you know?
Speaker B:Yeah, I think that's really what I lean onto.
Speaker B:But, like, it was just.
Speaker B:It was like watching a movie.
Speaker B:Like, this can't be real life, and sometimes it still feels like that.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's like this shit people don't deal with, you know, But, I mean, they do.
Speaker B:It's more real than we speak.
Speaker B:And I think, like, you know, by coming on this, I could, like, take this conversation elsewhere about, like, the system and my beliefs and my opinions, but, like, really, at the end of the day, it's, like, about authentic living for them and, like, living the fullest life that they would want me to live.
Speaker A:Do you remember what you did after you got done watching the video on the steps there?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I watched the video, and my boyfriend and I had his daughter visiting, and this was, like, probably her second time visiting with us.
Speaker B:So she's a teenager, and, you know, like, I didn't want to, like.
Speaker B:Like, she knew that my brother had just passed and I was grieving and I was laying around and, you know, going through my depression, but I didn't want her to, like, have to.
Speaker B:I didn't know I wanted to get outside of myself.
Speaker B:We're all sharing at living quarters, you know, Like, I didn't want to be there.
Speaker B:So I went to a friend's house, and she watched the video with me, and she just let me share about him, and she just watched the video with me.
Speaker B:Like, I have had a few people, like, to this day, even, like, a couple months ago that will watch the video with me.
Speaker B:I don't know, maybe I shouldn't do that.
Speaker B:People would say.
Speaker B:But, like, I think that's, like, what helps me grasp what is real and, like, acceptance that this happened and just a reminder, you know, like, I. I can't go back to living, like, a dark life because, like, this could happen, and it already happened for my brother.
Speaker B:So this is just proof in itself.
Speaker B:It's proof in itself that he did.
Speaker B:The experience.
Speaker B:For me, it didn't work out that way.
Speaker B:Like, I need to live an honest, clean life for myself with my mental health and my recovery, for the both of us at this point, continue that long plan as always.
Speaker B:You know, like, we're still gonna live a life together.
Speaker B:You know, he just happens to not be on this dimension or this plane or this earth.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I think, like, you know, schizophrenia awareness.
Speaker A:Mm.
Speaker B:I think, like, even me, I had, like, a stigma towards him or a fear of it.
Speaker B:And I don't know.
Speaker B:That's not really fair.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's not.
Speaker A:And there does need to be more awareness around it.
Speaker A:I don't think it's talked about enough.
Speaker A:I mean, one mental health isn't talked about enough.
Speaker A:But then you go into subcategories of different types of mental health, and I feel like that one for sure is not really talked about.
Speaker A:Or, like, what do you do?
Speaker A:Or, like, all, like.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, I don't have a lot of experience interacting with other humans who live with schizophrenia, except for a client that I had in the past that I was working with.
Speaker A:And it was extremely challenging, you know, like, to watch that person start to do better and then just fucking go sideways and then, like, the process of circling back around, being better again and then just going sideways and, like, over and over and over again in a short span of time, you know, it's heartbreaking.
Speaker A:It was one of the.
Speaker A:It was probably the most difficult, for a lack of better words, it was the most challenging.
Speaker A:It was the most challenging client I've ever worked with in my life.
Speaker A:Probably just because I was, like, so invested, but also then so angry at the different systems, you know, of, like, how things work.
Speaker A:And, you know, there was a time that we called Pert and they wouldn't take him, like, you know, and, like, just, like, all of the stupid, like, tape around it to, like, actually get somebody help.
Speaker A:Like, there's so many loopholes when it comes to mental health and having that specific diagnosis.
Speaker A:And, like, most of the time, I feel like those people just end up in the system, in jail, not getting the help that they need, you know, so well.
Speaker B:And it's like, I don't know, like, you know what I hear in my mind or, like, think about when, like, we were kids and you're walking and you hear people say, like, oh, that's schizophrenic bum on the street, like, just talking to their Self like, you know, I just hear those things and I'm like, well, that's someone's family member.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:That's someone's brother.
Speaker B:That's someone's mom, dad, daughter, you know, and yeah, like, I don't know what we could do about it, but we do need to talk about it because people that are going through that, they need to be able to ask for help.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so I think, like, you know, like, grief, this is where it starts really, because we have the grief like that I experience with my mom and dad or having a different life and not having parents like I thought I was supposed to, you know, and being able to talk in safe communities about the things that you're going through rather than like, if you have a mental health diagnosis now, you don't have to carry that burden even more.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So now you have that negative stigma of schizophrenia.
Speaker B:But then also you have this grief that you're not talking about.
Speaker B:Mm.
Speaker B:You have this grief of feeling isolated from the world, not connecting with other people for many different reasons.
Speaker B:You know, he had just lost his dad, which is really, you know, he lost his dad.
Speaker B:I believe it was a shooting too.
Speaker B:I don't know too much about it, so I don't really want to talk on that.
Speaker B:But you know, like, when you go in and you retreat in yourself and you don't have, like, capabilities like this to have honest conversations and feel supported through all of it, whatever it looks like, ugly, beauty, disaster or not, then like, you know, situations like that happen.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:I know, like when you asked me to do this every single time, I was like, girl, I don't know if I'm ready for all that.
Speaker B:I need to heal some more.
Speaker B:But there's never really a right time.
Speaker B:And I had to just kind of like pray on it and meditate on it and think about, like, what my grandma and DJ and Suzanne would want me to do, you know, And I know that they, they wouldn't want me to live alone and anything that comes up because grief is a creative experience.
Speaker A:Uh huh.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker A:Everybody will go through it.
Speaker A:The majority.
Speaker A:The majority.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, obviously there's other circumstances that happens, like children that pass away before they can even speak languages or develop thoughts or.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, there's obviously things like that, but for the most part it is something that we will all experience at some point.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, so I think it's crazy how it's just not fucking talked about.
Speaker A:Blows my mind.
Speaker A:I mean, at least not in the United States.
Speaker A:I can't speak for the rest of the world.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, but,.
Speaker B:Well, and it's like, oh, my condolences.
Speaker B:That's what people say.
Speaker B:And I've.
Speaker B:I've been guilty of saying it too, don't get me wrong.
Speaker B:Like my condolences for you and your family.
Speaker B:And then that's like the closed chapter.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And until you experience it, you know, it's like an experience based.
Speaker A:It's hard to support somebody in that area of their life if you've never experienced anything similarly.
Speaker A:It reminds me of something that Nick had actually said when he came on.
Speaker A:Somebody else had said to him.
Speaker A:I forget who told him.
Speaker A:When he said it to me, I was like, wow, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker A:And it is that people can only meet you like with your grief, with the amount that they've experienced.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, then that's interesting that you bring up, you know, like when we had first talked about this and how you'd said you had, you know, like, like circled back and like meditate on it and prayed on it.
Speaker A:It's funny because my, like on social media, how you're.
Speaker A:On this day, memories pop up.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker A:On this day is usually at the beach, day activity or like sitting on the blanket.
Speaker A:Like when we took the picture with your pup.
Speaker A:And I think that was when I told you about this podcast actually, and you were like, yeah, I'd probably like be interested in coming on and, and it was a year ago today.
Speaker B:It was two years ago, babe.
Speaker A:Oh shit.
Speaker A:That's two years ago?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Wait, are you sure?
Speaker B:No, I could be wrong.
Speaker A:No, it's last year, cuz Steve was there two years ago.
Speaker A:He was not available.
Speaker B:Huh.
Speaker B:Okay, maybe.
Speaker B:See, but time becomes a blur, that's for sure.
Speaker A:Time's.
Speaker A:Yeah, I. I could go sideways on that forever.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's like when you.
Speaker B:I think like when you lose people or like you grieve with, you know, from their.
Speaker B:I don't want to say like you lose them because that's not really genuine to how I feel.
Speaker B:But when they pass from this planet and being in my space and me being able to communicate with them every single day, like on a physical level.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I lost train of mind.
Speaker B:You know what's funny is I'm holding this necklace.
Speaker B:This is my brother's ashes right here.
Speaker B:And then this is a necklace that like, is a grandmother pendant for my grandma.
Speaker B:And I was holding it and then I just like.
Speaker B:I don't know, I Started thinking about them again.
Speaker B:What was I talking about?
Speaker A:You were saying, like,.
Speaker B:I feel like.
Speaker A:We both lost our train of thought here.
Speaker A:No, you were saying, like, when you lose people.
Speaker A:And then you said, I don't want to say it like that because that's not how I feel about it.
Speaker A:But in the physical, like, when I no longer have them here in this human plane.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, I don't know where I was going with that, to be honest, but I will speak a little bit on that.
Speaker B:That being said, because you still have them with you, right?
Speaker B:You have the memories.
Speaker B:You have that part of you.
Speaker B:You have that, like, rebirth to it.
Speaker B:You know, they are always part of your story.
Speaker B:And then you get to, like, create the story even more.
Speaker B:So it's kind of like a snake shedding its skin and then continuing on.
Speaker B:Or a lizard.
Speaker B:Like, you know, they lose their tails and they grow back so similar, where there's still a part of you.
Speaker B:And then also, like, being able to connect with them.
Speaker A:Because we were talking about time before that.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, time.
Speaker B:Oh, you get stuck.
Speaker B:That's what I was going to say.
Speaker B:You just get stuck with them.
Speaker B:And, I mean, that was a prime example.
Speaker B:Like, you get stuck in the moment with them.
Speaker B:Nostalgic reminiscing, kind of like almost stuck in the identity with them for a little bit.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And you go in and out of that.
Speaker A:Yeah, well, because it's like.
Speaker A:It's an identity shift for yourself.
Speaker B:I mean.
Speaker B:Yeah, 100%.
Speaker B:You know, I was having, I would say, like, not like an actual crisis like, that I need to report to anyone, but I was having, like, a dramatic mental crisis about, you know, just minor things like, oh, should I do this?
Speaker B:Should I do that?
Speaker B:You know, And I would normally call my grandma.
Speaker B:I would normally call my grandma and tell her everything, like, be so honest, even if it was the craziest things in the world.
Speaker B:And then she would be like, oh, okay, Nikki.
Speaker B:And then she would tell me her opinion.
Speaker B:It was my voice of reason.
Speaker B:And I want to say, like, about a month ago, I had a situation where I couldn't do that.
Speaker B:There was no voice of reason, you know, like, and I had to be that voice of reason for myself.
Speaker B:So, you know, like, I. I prayed to God.
Speaker B:I got down on my knees and I prayed, especially because I go to church, because I have that connection with my grandma.
Speaker B:That's where we used to go together to worship.
Speaker B:And I just instantly felt more connected to God.
Speaker B:And just like, that voice of reason was through the prayer, like, I could.
Speaker B:It's going to be okay.
Speaker B:We're going to figure this out.
Speaker B:You are not alone.
Speaker B:And almost like my grandma was just, like, sitting there with me in the moment.
Speaker B:Like, we were in the pew.
Speaker B:I was having that connection, you know, I think for me, too, it's like those two people were the people that were in my household.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So it's like I lost that version of me.
Speaker A:Immediate.
Speaker A:Like, that's your immediate family connector household.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So it seems so far away.
Speaker B:It's like, oh, wait, was that really a version of me?
Speaker B:You know, I do want to give, like, a lot of gratitude to my partner.
Speaker B:We've been together for three years, and he also lost his younger brother.
Speaker B:And it wasn't at the same time.
Speaker B:It was years before that.
Speaker B:But I think the fact that he was able just to hold space for me.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:His parents, like, they just showed up and they just said, like, come here, honey.
Speaker B:Give me a hug.
Speaker B:We brought you, like, spaghetti.
Speaker B:They brought me spaghetti.
Speaker B:And I found out that, like, that was my brother's favorite meal.
Speaker B:That, like, once he was, like, with my grandma, my other grandma, a lot.
Speaker B:She was always cooking him spaghetti.
Speaker B:That was his favorite meal.
Speaker B:I just realized that right now.
Speaker B:So it's like a constant cycle, you know?
Speaker A:Mm.
Speaker B:Yesterday, because I knew we were going to do this, I was in the area, and I went to the church where my brother and my grandma are in the wall.
Speaker B:They have, like, a garden wall where you can go sit.
Speaker B:And they're both in there, both of their ashes.
Speaker B:My grandma's in there with her piece of Nicorette because that lady chewed Nicorette for, like, ever.
Speaker A:That's amazing.
Speaker B:She's like, I'm not going to smoke cigarettes, but she's definitely going to chew her nicotine or Nicorette, whatever it is, all the time.
Speaker B:Just like a cow power to you.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:They put a piece in there with her.
Speaker B:I was thinking, it's so hot, it's probably melted all over her ashes.
Speaker B:And so I went and, you know, I saw the dates, and I was looking at it.
Speaker B:I took a picture, and I sat down, and, you know, I started crying.
Speaker B:I put my sunglasses on, and I was just, like, feeling my tears, you know, like, just letting it out.
Speaker B:It wasn't so much more.
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:It was just like, I miss you.
Speaker A:Guys, you know, being present.
Speaker B:I'm here with you guys.
Speaker B:We used to go to this church together.
Speaker B:It's a safe place for me to go.
Speaker B:I'm here with you guys.
Speaker B:Like, I feel you.
Speaker B:And a hummingbird Came over.
Speaker B:Now, mind you, like, a hummingbird is super special to me because in that house that we all grew up at, like, by Lake Murray, hummingbirds would always come to our window.
Speaker B:And I would just watch them as a little girl.
Speaker B:They would come up to the window, like, buzz around.
Speaker B:And I don't know, I was just infatuated with them.
Speaker B:I never really, like, thought more about it.
Speaker B:We didn't have a hummingbird feeder.
Speaker B:They just came over to our tree.
Speaker B:And yesterday one came up, and I swear he was like, this close to my face.
Speaker B:I don't know if it was a hair girl, but they came up and they.
Speaker B:I felt like they were going to, like, drink my tears.
Speaker B:And I just, like, stopped crying because I've been feeling like my grandma's probably like a hummingbird, you know.
Speaker B:My brother, I haven't decided if he comes back in spirit realm.
Speaker B:I think, you know, his spirit's a little bit still wandering here.
Speaker B:If I really need to be honest about that.
Speaker B:I think that there's some people holding on to him, you know, because they can't accept.
Speaker B:Except maybe I'm one of them, too.
Speaker B:And I've tried to provide a little space with that, but I think there's some other family members that are just not ready to let go of that, which with right reason.
Speaker B:We weren't expecting him to die.
Speaker B:But this hummingbird comes over and just sits with me on the tree, stops fluttering and just looks with me.
Speaker B:10 Minutes pass.
Speaker B:He's still just there looking with me.
Speaker B:And so, like, this morning, I was like, what can I do?
Speaker B:Because I've been thinking, you know, I have all these tattoos, but I really wanted to get something to, like, remember them.
Speaker B:I'm thinking, well, I have this picture of my little brother when he was doing tap dance at the age of three, which is dire to my heart because he was so happy he was on stage.
Speaker B:All the little girls were, like, flirting with him.
Speaker B:Not that he knew what flirting was, but he has this cute little Hawaiian shirt on.
Speaker B:It's like blue.
Speaker B:So I'm like, why don't I do the hummingbird with that shirt on?
Speaker B:You know, like a tattoo of that sort.
Speaker B:Oh, sorry.
Speaker B:No, you're good.
Speaker B:Just like a remnants of them, you know, like, almost like they're on vacation, you know, Especially because it's like the Hawaiian vacation, you know, like the Taurus shirt, you know which one I'm talking about.
Speaker B:And you know, like, there's something about a hummingbird.
Speaker B:I just feel like it's so little in microscopic.
Speaker B:But so powerful within.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And that's kind of just like what I resonate with my grief.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know, it's so little to everyone else in the world because there's so much else going on, so I have to respect that.
Speaker B:They have their own grief.
Speaker B:They have their own kids.
Speaker B:They have their own life.
Speaker B:But to me, like, those little moments, I'm not alone, and it means so much, you know, it's my whole life.
Speaker B:It's part of who I am.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I mean, those moments are.
Speaker A:Doesn't matter what's going on with anybody else.
Speaker A:Like, those are your moments, you know, they're big moments.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And so kind of like how you went and spent time yesterday.
Speaker A:What are some other things that you do in your life now today to kind of one, like, to honor them, but also to, like, incorporate and intertwine, like, your grief into your life in a healthy way.
Speaker A:Like, what do you find has been helpful?
Speaker B:I think, you know, I know that they would want me to live, like, my life to the wildest dreams I could ever imagine.
Speaker B:You know, they would want to be a part of it.
Speaker B:And so I. I try my best to do that because they are a part of it, you know, like, by me living a healthy life that's honest to myself, and I'm mentally well, and I have a family I love and I care about.
Speaker B:That's all they would want from me, you know, And I'd like to think, you know, I wouldn't say, like, my brother died for me, but I'd like to, like, feel that way sometimes.
Speaker B:Kind of just like, you know, like, it was like, an honor that, like, his lived experience reminds me that I want to keep on the straight and arrow for my life.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I want to stay connected to my truth, and I want to stay connected with my God and so that I don't have to go through that.
Speaker B:He figured out, you know, he did the wild dance.
Speaker B:Unfortunately, it happened the way it did, but now I need to live a full life for both of us, so I think that's, like, a healthy way to honor it.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I could see that as dark sometimes, too.
Speaker A:I mean, I feel like there's always gonna be a little bit of darkness, no matter what, when it comes to these things.
Speaker A:I know.
Speaker A:So do I. I'm a sucker.
Speaker B:Bring it on.
Speaker A:Thrive better.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:I mean, because it's real.
Speaker B:It's dirt.
Speaker B:It's the grounding.
Speaker B:It's the foundation.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's the soul.
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker B:Oh, sorry.
Speaker A:That was kind of Loud.
Speaker A:Oh, it's okay.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:That's actually a topic I've been talking with my mom about recently is, like, just being in that dark space, you know?
Speaker A:Like, it's been three years since my husband passed away, and, you know, when I finally was able to make that shift of, like, really intertwining grief with my life, like, everything that I do, what I didn't, I guess, realize is, like, not until, like, maybe March ish of this year or something like that.
Speaker A:We were talking about it, and it was like, I got so comfortable in the dark space.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:Like, it was like I went into the dark space, and then I created a super comfy, cozy little space.
Speaker A:And I love it there, and it feels comfortable.
Speaker A:Like, I. I know kind of to an extent what the fuck is going on around me.
Speaker A:Like, it feels like there's some sense of knowing once I, like, fully submerged myself in it, but almost to a point where then I was like, okay, but, like, how do I come back out of that?
Speaker A:It was almost like I had gone, like, intertwined it so much with my life that I was then, like, okay, but, like, now maybe I don't have a comfy space in the not dark space.
Speaker A:Like, so I think my body would just start naturally, like, reverting there because that became my new, like, comforting spot.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So it's just.
Speaker A:It's crazy.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Grief is wild.
Speaker B:Well, it's like the womb.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Maybe that's like.
Speaker B:I'd like to think of it, like, the womb's probably got to be dark as hell.
Speaker A:Probably.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:I mean, there's no light in there.
Speaker B:Outer space.
Speaker B:I wouldn't say that's hell, you know, but dark as outer space.
Speaker B:Like, it's just.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Pitch black.
Speaker B:So it's probably the most comforting state.
Speaker B:And I know that because I. I use it for nervous system regulation every time I come home.
Speaker B:It's like, I don't want the fluorescent lighting going.
Speaker B:Maybe a candle or maybe like, you know, like, LED blue or red light, something of that sort.
Speaker B:I really don't want any lights on.
Speaker B:I like to, like, even when the sun's out, I like the lights to be off and then just natural lighting.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know, because it's comforting.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Other ways, I really just live my life to the fullest.
Speaker B:You know, I try to travel a lot because I know that they both enjoy traveling.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:Yeah, I do that.
Speaker B:What else?
Speaker B:I take myself out to eat.
Speaker B:Like, my grandma used to go out to eat.
Speaker B:That was her favorite thing.
Speaker B:To do so, Like, I date myself.
Speaker B:And I would say, like, before she passed, I had some really good memories.
Speaker B:I got to take her out to Ruth's.
Speaker B:Chris, and I got to take her out to Benihana.
Speaker B:And I paid.
Speaker B:I made the effort.
Speaker B:Like, for her birthday, I picked her up in my car.
Speaker B:So I think, like, you know, she felt safe knowing that, like, I had chosen to live a better life, and I was able and grounded on my own feet.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I even, you know, she didn't get to meet, like, my partner, but I did tell her about him.
Speaker B:So, like, she knew, and then, like, it was like she knew about him, and then that's kind of when she lost touch with reality.
Speaker B:My brother knew about him, too.
Speaker B:Definitely.
Speaker B:I think my brother was just always supportive.
Speaker B:Like, as long as you're doing good, I think, you know, his journey was his own journey.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Well, I think I just have one more question for you, unless you have anything else.
Speaker B:I mean, I can always think of other things, but I think we're good.
Speaker B:Just give me one more question.
Speaker A:Do you believe that there is an upside to your grief?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:I can't always label it, and I'm okay with that, because that's part of the upside of the grief.
Speaker B:You know, I think grief doesn't have to be a negative thing.
Speaker B:I think, you know, you make an awareness of it, and you learn how to navigate it.
Speaker B:You learn to give yourself grace, compassion.
Speaker B:And I think, really, that was, like, grace and compassion I wish I could have given to my brother when he was younger and, like, even my great grandmother while she was raising us.
Speaker B:I think it's, like, a moment of realization right now.
Speaker B:Like, I learned to give myself the grace and compassion I wish I could have given them when I didn't have the tools.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:I definitely know that, like, life is not guaranteed.
Speaker B:Mm.
Speaker B:And I think I learned that at a young age.
Speaker B:You know, I have that no day, but today it was, like, one of my first tattoos.
Speaker B:But life is not guaranteed.
Speaker B:So, like, live a life that's authentic to you.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:100.
Speaker B:Like, as long as you wake up every single morning happy to get up and try again, and then you go to bed right with yourself, then so be it.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:So I think that's the upside to grief, because I don't know if I know what my brother was doing.
Speaker B:I don't know if he knew what he was doing, but I think at the end of the day, he's happy with where he is.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And what has had happened.
Speaker B:You Know, I think that's part of suicide by a cop.
Speaker B:He was having a mental breakdown, and, you know, maybe the fight was not a fight.
Speaker B:He was willing, worth it, wasn't willing to do.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I have to respect that.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:I have to respect his choices, too, for his life.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:And my grandma lived a beautiful life.
Speaker B:And I think the upside to grief is, you know, I'm.
Speaker B:I'm developing deeper relationships with the family members that I.
Speaker B:Not necessarily would have because I was so reliant on her.
Speaker B:So I think, like, I'm creating my own family now.
Speaker B:I think, you know, everything happens for a reason.
Speaker B:I genuinely believe that.
Speaker B:And I. I think if you came back and asked me that each year, I'd have another answer for how that's working.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So, yeah, there is an upside to grief and podcasts like this or communities where you can openly talk about what you're experiencing with grief, because, I mean, it's not light on the body.
Speaker A:Nope.
Speaker B:Especially if you do have a mental health diagnosis or you're in recovery or, you know, whatever.
Speaker B:So you lose somebody else, there's so many different things that can trigger it.
Speaker B:So you have to be, like, gentle with your body.
Speaker B:And if you just want to sleep or if you just wake up a year later of them passing and you're just thinking about them and it feels heavy, like you need to take care.
Speaker A:Of yourself and yourself some grace.
Speaker B:Yeah, Grace, compassion and love.
Speaker B:At the end of the day, I can love them and stay connected to them if I continue to love myself.
Speaker A:Beautifully said.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker A:And thank you.
Speaker A:Thank you for coming on and being vulnerable and being open about, you know, some of the hardest shit that we experience in our life, if not labeled, like, the hardest thing, you know.
Speaker A:So thank you.
Speaker A:Like, it truly does mean a lot.
Speaker B:To me, so it's an absolute honor, like, genuinely, it is an honor to do this.
Speaker B:Thank you for pushing me to do this.
Speaker B:I think it is part of the journey, and it doesn't become, like, the hardest things that we're doing when we don't have to do it alone.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so, like, being able to do it with you is part of my healing journey.
Speaker B:And, like, I'm just grateful to be part of your healing journey as well.
Speaker A:Same.
Speaker A:So perfect.
Speaker A:We will see you guys back here in two weeks from now.
Speaker A:Nikki is going to come back on, and we're gonna do questionable grief decisions followed by some card polls.
Speaker A:So make sure you tune in then.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:Yeah, we'll see you in two weeks.
Speaker B:Bye.
Speaker A:Bye.
